I make this the fourth time overall I've started a blog. Each time I do, I only manage a handful of posts before I crash and burn.
I'd like to be able to say my inability to maintain this project stems from something positive: a busy yet fulfilling job, an active social life, or an overabundance of time being spent on creative writing.
I'd like to be able to say that but I'd be lying if I did.
The truth is ... Well the truth is a bit more complicated.
I've battled with anxiety for as long as I can remember. I was formally diagnosed at 17 when I suffered my first bout with deep depression but my issues began long before that. As far back as first grade I was a bundle of nerves. I worried all the time about everything you can imagine. My social anxiety was so bad that I was well into my teens before I could place my own order at a restaurant.
I was also afraid of the whole wide world of everything. I never took chances. I might have gotten hurt for God's sake! Whether the perceived threat was physical, mental, or emotional didn't matter, nor did the likelihood of it actually occurring. The very fact that something could go wrong stopped me before I even got started.
So what does that have to do with this blog? Two things. The first is that every time I start writing the little anxiety monster inside tells me that it's stupid. I can feel it sitting on my shoulder, breathing down my neck. It whispers in my ear that no one cares what I have to say. Of course, I believe it. Why wouldn't I? I have believed it all my life.
There is also the matter of feeling the need to hide my mental health issues from the world. I've always tried to keep my posts upbeat, focusing on literature, pop culture, and the like. The problem is that I don't always feel upbeat and trying to force myself into writing rainbow and kitten posts when in reality I'm scraping the bottom of the barrel emotionally is at best tough and at worst impossible.
Recently, thanks to the suggestion of my best friend, I joined a private group on Facebook full of folks who are just like me. Every last one of them is scared and scarred in some way ... But they are also the kindest, most supportive people I have ever come across. Just being a part of their number has lifted me up during a time when I have been in desperate need of lifting.
I have been inspired by their bravery, their tenacity, and their creativity. So with their life force behind me, I have decided to take another run at this blog. For the first time, my goal is to be nothing more than completely authentic, to share both my joys and my sorrows, my triumphs and my setbacks, to see my love of Disney and Harry Potter co-existing with my very real fears for the world because all of that makes me who I am.
I hope you'll all come along for the ride.
I've battled with anxiety for as long as I can remember. I was formally diagnosed at 17 when I suffered my first bout with deep depression but my issues began long before that. As far back as first grade I was a bundle of nerves. I worried all the time about everything you can imagine. My social anxiety was so bad that I was well into my teens before I could place my own order at a restaurant.
I was also afraid of the whole wide world of everything. I never took chances. I might have gotten hurt for God's sake! Whether the perceived threat was physical, mental, or emotional didn't matter, nor did the likelihood of it actually occurring. The very fact that something could go wrong stopped me before I even got started.
So what does that have to do with this blog? Two things. The first is that every time I start writing the little anxiety monster inside tells me that it's stupid. I can feel it sitting on my shoulder, breathing down my neck. It whispers in my ear that no one cares what I have to say. Of course, I believe it. Why wouldn't I? I have believed it all my life.
There is also the matter of feeling the need to hide my mental health issues from the world. I've always tried to keep my posts upbeat, focusing on literature, pop culture, and the like. The problem is that I don't always feel upbeat and trying to force myself into writing rainbow and kitten posts when in reality I'm scraping the bottom of the barrel emotionally is at best tough and at worst impossible.
Recently, thanks to the suggestion of my best friend, I joined a private group on Facebook full of folks who are just like me. Every last one of them is scared and scarred in some way ... But they are also the kindest, most supportive people I have ever come across. Just being a part of their number has lifted me up during a time when I have been in desperate need of lifting.
I have been inspired by their bravery, their tenacity, and their creativity. So with their life force behind me, I have decided to take another run at this blog. For the first time, my goal is to be nothing more than completely authentic, to share both my joys and my sorrows, my triumphs and my setbacks, to see my love of Disney and Harry Potter co-existing with my very real fears for the world because all of that makes me who I am.
I hope you'll all come along for the ride.
